Fearful Friday

I was debating in my own mind whether I should publish this article or not. I was afraid that you, dear reader, might think that it was rather childish and not something that should have influenced me as much as it did. However, this is important as part of my healing process.  

I try to keep everything in my life on the positive side as much as I can and solve any problems by the end of the day if possible, or at least just realize that it will be dealt with properly, so I can clear my mind.  However, on Friday, I had quite a lot of anxiety and distress. 

I usually get a bit restless, generally at around 3 o'clock in the morning after going to sleep in the early evening. I get about 6 to 7 hours worth of sleep each evening. I don't get out of bed, but I will listen to music on the radio and if I am still up, I will turn on my DVD player to listen to various DVDs that I have or watch videos  from a number of different singers. It has turned into a nice, relaxing way to start the day. 

On Friday, however, when I got up I felt a small pain in my back. I never thought much about it at first but the problem was that it never went away. No matter what I did in bed in early morning, no matter how I turned, never mind all the deep breathing, I just had this pain that I could not get rid of. 

Oh, it really wasn't that painfully intensive but it just never went away. For hours! To be honest, I started getting quite concerned. I thought I was doing better physically because I was not really feeling any kind of physical problems for a very long time. Until now. It just wouldn't leave me. It made no sense to me and started worrying me as well. 

I got up at my usual time and walked around hoping that this would end the pain. But it did not. Neither did having my breakfast or doing my usual morning exercises.  That small pain just bothered me and I started trying to figure out what it was and whether it was serious or not.  

My mind was not in a good place but around 9 AM I knew my PSW was coming to see me so maybe that would help.  I must admit though that I did not give her a very good time staying with me on this day because I was so glum, but I apologized to her because of it. She did the best she could to try to fix me up. 

However, even though the pain seemed to be less when she left, I still had it and was concerned about what might happen later on in the day. I became quite worried about it all even though to you, dear reader, I would imagine that you are thinking that I'm over-reacting.  

I probably was to be honest. After all, for so many months I had done so much exercising that made me feel good and now I had this pain in my body that just did not seem to want to disappear. I was becoming terrified that something serious was just starting up again. 

Fortunately, my wife was there and suggested a remedy that I never even thought of. She put a hot water bottle on my back. Within minutes, I could feel the heat in my back and shortly thereafter the pain disappeared. It was gone, completely, due to the advice of my wife, since that is what she often does when she experiences pain. This cold weather is tough on my body, so maybe it was a muscle spasm that didn't want to leave. However, if you have ever experienced this, it is painful! 

While this may sound very silly to you, dear reader, it really wasn't. I was starting to feel panic. This small little pain that I had in my back felt bigger than it actually was, and I felt like maybe I was getting sick again. Our minds can really play tricks on us.  

I was really was scared. There's no part in me trying to be so brave and make fun of it. That's not how I was feeling. I was remembering what happened to people who had suffered from my illness that I dealt with a year ago. I think that is what truly scared me. I thought that I had some weird and unknown disease again that had to be treated quickly just like what happened to me before, otherwise it would be fatal. I learned quickly that I was okay and I had just made some terrible assumptions about myself that were not true at all. 

I wondered if I was so unique in this kind of a medical concern and no one else acted in my silly fashion. Or rather, was I acting in a way that should be expected after what I went through.  

What I have really learned is that I still suffer side effects from the virus that attacked my brain. It affected many other areas of my body and mind, but that just means I have more learning to do and need to find better coping strategies. Like it or not, I think that kind of reaction that I suffered from is not unique to me and others share it as well who were in a position that was similar to mine.  It is hard to shake off these feelings all the time, especially when my brain recalls very scary moments and amplifies them.  Like many people, they also go through irrational moments and suffer from past trauma situations.  

In any event, if I suffer something similar down the road, I have to try and not freak out. I need to stop for a moment and remind myself that I am not in the same situation and the problem can be dealt with. I need to breathe and relax my mind with support near me for reassurance (my wife is great to help me!), figure out the issue and what steps to take.  If it gets worse, I can reach out for medical help.

Writing this down is easy, but putting into practice is often a challenge. However, I am not one to back down so I will work towards conquering yet another hurdle of my new life.

 

Thank you for reading!